I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
