And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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