I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Randomize
