Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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