It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
