saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
