You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
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Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
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Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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