I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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