Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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