I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
