Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
