I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
