Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
