I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
