it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
