Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I am available for nakedness
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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