He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
