my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
