What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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