I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
