i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
