I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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