did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I want her autograph on my taint
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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