Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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