I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
