Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
