I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
