You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
