He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
