You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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