I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
