My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
