So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
