I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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