just tell him i said nine months
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
