New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
