okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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