Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
