Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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