like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
