Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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