While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
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At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
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Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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