Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Shame - the story of my life.
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