Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
