You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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