i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm bleeding and have questions
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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