It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
