There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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