I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
