Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
