i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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