I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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