My boss' voice literally gives me gas
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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