Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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