Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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