I cannot find my penis.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
