I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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